Hairfully Yours

I wrote personal essays for women’s magazines before they became ALL about fashion, beauty, and how to flatten abs, and before I became not-so-young. I wrote about buying my apartment, doing stand-up comedy, and my dentist. I had a crush on him. I wrote about being a teacher, mother, divorced mother and woman, and about dating wacko men. I wrote about the holidays and my low days. The closest I came to ‘beauty’ was my 1988 New Woman essay called ON NOT LOOKING LIKE CATHERINE DENEUVE.

I did not resemble Catherine then.

As a freelance writer, I am on every publicist’s mailing list. Every week I get a zillion emails about books and products they push. Before I hit delete, I sometimes read the press release that follows Hi Nancy or Dear Nancy or Dear Kelton Nancy or Dear Kelton Freelancer.

I just got one about hair. HAIR CARE AT ALL AGES! After reminding me—Kelton Freelancer– that hair is a “hot topic,” the PR Person pitched a story idea that could include her many, many products that hydrate, protect, revitalize, and correct.

She outlined hair stages by decade each with a paragraph, product and its price. Curious to discover something new about the changes in women’s hair, I read on. Page 1 is “Your Teens” and “Your Twenties.” Page 2 is “Your Thirties,” “Your Forties,” and “Your Fifties.” That is it. No Page 3. “Your Fifties” is The End.

Not mine.

PR Person closes with: Dear Kelton Freelancer: “I would love to know your thoughts.”

My thoughts?

Dear (I won’t divulge her last name) PR Person:

I am not in my fifties anymore. I am still alive and I still have hair.

But how shall I sign it? Lots of Locks is too intimate. How about Hairfully yours?

If you can improve upon Hairfully yours, write it in the comment section. I’ll send my two favorites free bottles of shampoo and not ones I took from hotels.